CONFESSION: I Was A Drug Addict - Kenyon's Blogversation
For 17 whole years, I was a drug addict. That's right. I admit it. I was on drugs and many of you didn't know it. Some of you did because you had the gift of discernment. Others sensed it because you too were addicted to the same substance. I was a familiar fix to befriend. I wasn't addicted to crack cocaine. That wasn't my drug of choice. Laced weed was too frivolous for an astute country boy like me. No. I had to have something that would numb me for most of my day. I had to have something that was stronger on the brain and senses. I had to have something that gave me an automatic charge. Something so natural and invigorating that my mind just had to have it again and again. You know what it was? I was addicted to porn.
Oh yes, Churchboy, Preacher-Man, Dr., Bishop, and all of those other quirky titles people give you, yet hooked on the subtle and desensitizing drug of pornography. I started at 8 and finally got free around the age of 25. What started out as an innocent night--back on 1977 Glen Echo--to numb the pains of my surroundings and having been tortured with a reality that I may have been molested in my mother's backyard spiraled into a whirlwind of addiction.
Let me tell ya, all of these new psychological reports and experiments can argue that this stuff ain't poisonous or addictive, but when you're having porn for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and you can't control it you'd probably reconsider that argument. It wasn't until this year (age 27) that I realized my brain was ON porn. It was ON it much like an addict is on drugs. It has been psychologically proven that your brain can go on automatic when it comes to all of the dopamine, serotonin, and other naturally invigorating brain chemicals that shoot throughout your brain as you ingest the unhealthy version of sex over-and-over again. When you associate "the good feeling" with bursts of these brain chemicals your brain records this message. It saves the message and will offer up to you this "feel good" option every time your triggers are set off. For me, my triggers were depression, insecurity, stress, anger, or some form of sexual deviance. These five triggers had my brain on fire and my body desensitized. Most of the time my actions weren't premeditated. I wouldn't plan to watch it. That's what got me to thinking. I keep asking for forgiveness when it doesn't even seem like I'm the one really making the choice anymore. Yes, of course, I accept the fact that I initially chose this drug. I own that. But at some point, it seemed the choice was taken out of my hands. I was on automatic. Or should I say, autopilot. Here's when I realized this demon of oppression was deeper. It was beyond my own pleasure and poor choices. The problem was deeply rooted in the neurological tracks of my brain. That's how I started transforming.
I started breaking the cycle of autopilot in my life by safeguarding myself when I knew I was experiencing my triggers. I still have to do this to this day. Ain't no shame in my game! Okay, enough about me. You can read more about my juicy, raw, and insanely detailed testimony in one of my books: "Finding Courage to Live Free." (to purchase click on title)
But the question for you today is, what are you addicted to? What is your drug of choice? What stimulating story have you told yourself over-and-over again allowing your brain to be hijacked by unhealthy thought patterns and such? Whatever that story is, INTERRUPT IT! If you can interrupt the story, you can interrupt the unhealthy habits. Now, let's be real. Your addiction may not show up like mine. Pornography may not be your symptom. But always choosing the wrong man is. Getting off on explicit sexual content may not be your symptom, but never getting passed the poverty line is, subjecting yourself to mental, emotional, or physical abuse is. It really doesn't matter what your symptom is or how your addiction shows up. What matters is what's that story you've told yourself repeatedly that has now got your brain hooked and desensitized? That story is the culprit. Go after that unhealthy story you've been feeding yourself. "I'm not good enough. This is all I'll ever be able to have. I'm dirty anyway. My abusive mother was right. My jealous siblings were right about me." Do to your brain what those unhealthy stories have done to it for decades causing you to spiral out of control. Hijack the system and tell it another story. And the more your rehearse the healthy version of your story, the more it'll stick in your brain. Eventually your brain will get the picture that you're not going back to those old stories and unhealthy habits. It'll eventually get with the program. You may slip back once in a while. But so long as you don't crash and burn in a full-on binge, keep rehearsing your healthy story.
P.S. Saturday mornings and late nights used to be my worst binges on porn. So since it's Saturday morning and I haven't had to binge on anything but God this morning, I decided to celebrate my victory!
Stay tuned for my next "Kenyon's Blogversation..." Meanwhile, go on over and visit my newly renovated website! Lots of cool NEW things! www.kenyonrdudley.com
